Remember These?
For over a century, cars have been evolving - faster engines, smarter tech, sleeker designs. But for every genius invention there's been a baffling blunder glued to a dashboard somewhere. From automatic belts that tried to strangle you to dangerous chrome hood ornaments, automakers haven’t always hit the accelerator on common sense.
Hood Ornaments
Once a symbol of status, these little metal mascots stood proudly at the prow of your vehicle like a ship’s figurehead… until safety concerns made them extinct. Nothing says prestige like an airborne chrome impalement hazard in a low-speed collision. Rest in peace, flying ladies and leaping jaguars - you were fancy, but fundamentally flawed.
Automatic Seat Belts
An ’80s and ’90s fever dream of automation, these seat belts zipped along a track to “secure” you as the door closed… except they didn’t secure your lap, just your shoulder. Cue confusion, entanglement, and frequent mechanical failures. It was like your car was trying to strangle you with love.
Pop-Up Headlights
Pop-up headlights were stylish, but coolness doesn’t keep them from jamming half-open like a sleepy robot. These retractable beauties were style over substance, and once regulations tightened and aerodynamics mattered more, they faded into obscurity - taking their anime charm and repair bills with them. They’re gone, but never forgotten.
Ashtrays Everywhere
There was a time when your car had more ashtrays than seats. One in every door, one in the dash, maybe even one in the rear armrest - all ready for a puff and a flick. Now, smoking in cars is rare, and cupholders reign supreme. Somewhere, a bored ’80s sedan is still waiting for a cigarette it will never get.
Voice Alert Systems
Before Alexa, there was a robotic lady screaming, “DOOR AJAR!” at 6am. Voice alert systems were meant to be helpful, but mostly just startled drivers or annoyed them with relentless updates about things they already knew. “Fuel level is low.” Yeah, thanks HAL 9000, I was trying to forget!
Automatic Seatback Adjusters
Electric seatbacks that gently (or not so gently) tilted back when you turned off the ignition were luxurious in theory, but irritating in practice. They moved like an indecisive recliner and left taller passengers smushed or slouched in the worst ways. Bonus points if they jammed mid-adjustment forevermore.
Opera Windows
These tiny, usually oval-shaped windows on the side of a car’s rear roofline tried so hard to be classy. Instead, they made sedans look like they were wearing monocles. Popular in the ’70s, they served no real purpose and offered less visibility than a foggy bathroom mirror.
Adjustable Ride Height Buttons
Air suspension was cool. Buttons that promised to raise or lower your car at will? Cooler still! But early versions were slow, gimmicky, and broke faster than your mood in traffic. Great for impressing passengers; less great when you’re stuck in “low” mode over speed bumps.
Early Digital Dashboards
We’re not talking about today’s crisp, futuristic displays - we mean the original, clunky digital dashboards from the ’80s. They were flashy, but not legible in sunlight. They flickered, failed, and made every car feel like a low-budget spaceship. Analog gauges sighed with relief when these fizzled out.
Motorized Radio Antennas
Turn on the radio, and up rose the antenna with a buzz and a flourish, like Excalibur being drawn. It was cool the first few times until they jammed, snapped, or refused to go down in the car wash. Nothing says “old tech” like a stuck antenna waving in the breeze.
Rear Window Louvers
Nothing screamed “I wish I drove a race car” like rear window louvers. These slatted covers were meant to reduce glare and protect interiors from sun. But mostly, they added zero function, rattled like crazy, and made reversing feel like peeking through a Venetian blind during a hurricane.
T-Tops
T-Tops tried to split the difference between convertibles and coupes. What we got were leaky seals, squeaky panels, and the eternal awkwardness of storing two glass panels in your trunk. Great in theory. In practice? Just pop the windows down and call it a day.
Automatic Shoulder Belts With Manual Lap Belts
Ah yes, the shoulder belt that zoomed along a track to pin you in like a haunted amusement park ride - but left the lap belt up to you. These Frankenstein seatbelts were a safety fail waiting to happen, and were somehow more annoying than just buckling up the old-fashioned way.
Vent Windows
Vent windows were tiny triangle windows at the front of the car doors that cracked open just enough to let in dust and bees. Before air conditioning was standard, these helped a bit. But their real legacy was whistling, drafts, and yet another window to accidentally leave open during a rainstorm.
